When I thought we were on the right track to drawing closer to one another it only took a few weeks, well maybe a couple months for God to make me realize that I can’t have it all. I can’t put so much of my energy into the photography business and still think I can keep up with my family. I know…I know…I thought I had it all figured out too. That I was just going to keep the business steady and prioritize my time and energy where it mattered. Once again, I quickly am realizing that my heart sways, my heart detours and my commitment is whack y’all!!!
I had a super hard hard week last week and seriously did not expect to bump heads with Jordan. I just thought we were over that hump. But he’s a growing teen and he’s changing. And I need to stop taking it personal! Easier said than done. What I keep telling myself is that we are imperfect people and just like I made mistakes as a child growing up, I have got to let my son make his own mistakes and learn from them. I can’t be thrown back and forth–wavering every time I feel emotional or feel like my son hates me–and he says it. Yes he does. He’ll say things to poke at my heart but I’m trying not to take it personal.
“For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.” Ephesians 6:12
The same way that I remind Jordan to be respect despite of his feelings and that he’s accountable for his own actions, the same way I ought to tell myself, give yourself some grace. I know I raise my voice when I get frustrated, I know I drop a million F bombs, I know I’ve made mistakes and it’s settled in Jordan’s heart but in this present moment, if I can just reflect to myself, to Jordan a little bit of God’s love and grace…I know everything will be alright. We had a family meeting…intervention you can say–and we all just hashed it out, let it out. Jordan said what he wanted to say, I said what I wanted to say and Vu just mediated. He also said a few things. At the end of the day I see we all just want to be heard but no one is doing any listening.
I’m praying for better days ahead and for them to come quickly. I am being as thankful and grateful as possible because my struggles and challenges are inward and in our behaviors and characters. I am thankful God has blessed us with health, jobs, each other and the ability to do what we need and can do to make our life as pleasing to Him as we possibly can. I think about the different hardships so many other people face and I am just thankful. So I know we’ll get through this. We have to definitely shake it off and not worry so much about what others think or let others persuade us on how to discipline. For each child is unique and different. We have tried everything and took so many advice and some, regretfully so. God keeps putting it on my heart to let Jordan be and he’ll come around. He always has. I have to believe that I did the best that I could even when he was little when I had to comfort him, guide him in right and wrong and imitate kindness, compassion and grace. Even humility. Coming back and saying sorry and meaning it and trying hard as hell to not give in to temptation to anger, yelling and saying things I later will regret.